Just Say No! (To Primates)

In a brilliant move of solidarity with the victim of the recent chimpanzee attack, the U.S. House of Representatives, rather than focusing on important issues, passed a bill that would make it illegal for private persons to own primates – not just apes but all primates (e.g., lemers and monkeys). I believe the bill technically only forbids selling primates across state lines, but that would in practicality ban all private primate ownership. Such dangerous creatures as pygmy marmosets would be outlawed (this particular one might be outlawed already if it is an endangered creature but my point remains the same). Just look at that thing – it probably has laser beams that shoot from its eyes; it’s just deceptively cute – it might kill you with cuteness overload.

This whole bill is ludicrous. Now, I don’t think most people should own primates – they require a lot of care and space and money (but so do kids) but if someone can afford it and provide good care, why shouldn’t they be able to own one?

Our government just keeps finding new ways to regulate us to death. Pretty soon our houses will be built exclusively from red tape. We’ll have Frosted Red Tape Flakes for breakfast, and red tape for toilet paper. Our government is becoming oppressive (some would argue that they have been for a long time but compared to most other governments around the world, the U.S. government is not very oppressive).

How many primate attacks are there every year in the U.S.? How big of a problem is this? Our legislators are spending our tax dollars and their time trying to protect us from the dangers of primates? The next thing that will happen is outlawing cars because they can be so dangerous. Then they’ll outlaw the sun because it gives people cancer. We can ride this slippery slope all the way down. We might as well outlaw all people because people can hurt others. Maybe robots should rule the earth and keep a few humans in carefully controlled cages for observation.

I don’t deny that primates can be dangerous. They are strong and can carry diseases but if someone wants to own one and can care for it – let him own a primate (even a gorilla if they have the space and money for it). The legislation is silly. Then again, maybe the ban is good. It might just prevent something like this from occuring many years in the future.planet_of_the_apes

3 thoughts on “Just Say No! (To Primates)”

  1. Obviously the house instead of concentrating on the economy and country have been having closed door viewing sessions of Planet of the Apes! Those dimwits on Capital Hill can never seem to focus on what is really important.

  2. In 2008, 15 people were killed by Pitbulls in the United States. Zero by monkeys. Is it really necessary to waste our governemnts time on this. Fix the Pitbull issue first you freaking morons. Our government is seriously mismanaged.

  3. Primate are dangerous animals, they’re wild, strong, have teeth and will never be tamed… its a ticking time bomb

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